I Was a Teenage Sex Kitten For An Alien
by Shallow15
Summary: Egad! Jane Lane has revelaed her true colors as an alien conquerer from Planet Zippotron! Will Daria be able to survive in Jane's new regime of insanity and silly sexiness as her Official Consort, Personal Assistant, and Sex Kitten? Tune in an find out!
1. Chapter 1

**I WAS A TEENAGE SEX KITTEN FOR AN ALIEN LOVE GODDESS FROM PLANET ZIPPOTRON IN SENSUAL-SURROUND KINK-O-RAMA 9-D AND COSMOCOLOR!**

_A HIGHLY deranged "Daria" B-Movie fanfic_

_by Erin Mills_

_"Daria" ©2010 MTV Networks_

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Cosmos has this to say on the subject of the planet Zippotron:

_The inhabitants of planet Zippotron may very well be the most creative, artistic, adaptive, devious, and downright sex crazed race in the entire Galaxy. _

_The Zippotronian Empire is only an empire in the sense that each the thousands of worlds assimilated into it is ruled by one Zippotronian. Otherwise, the individual planets are more or less left to their own devices and the whims of their ruler. Zippotronians are solitary in nature and rarely interact with their own kind once they leave their own planet._

_The reason for this self-imposed isolation is simply because of the Zippotronian's unique survival mechanism. They are one-shot shapeshifters. The natural form of a Zippotronian is not that unlike the common Earth armadillo, although Earth armadillos rarely come in a rather fetching aray of attractive designer colors. Zippotronians spend their time designing spaceships, creating fantastic technology and weapons, having ludicrous amounts of sex, inventing new and more effective forms of birth control, and creating some of the most highly coveted and most often illegally downloaded pornography in the Cosmos. But they compensate for this by illegally downloading the pornography of every other race in the Cosmos, so it all works out in the end._

_Periodically, young Zippotronians get a desire to go out and see the they do, and they find a partuclar planet they like, the shapeshifting gene kicks in, transforming the Zippotronian into a perfect genetic duplicate of the dominant species of the planet. the Zippotronian becomes, in effect, a native of the planet. Although, their skin still remains rather hard and impervious to most conventional and unconventional weapons._

_A Zippotronian infiltrator will tend to keep a low profile, using the technology they bring with them to help blend into the dominant society. After several years of observation, the Zippotronian will send out a signal to other Zippotronians for assistance in subjugating the planet. Since most Zippotronians have at one time or another aided another Zippotronian in planetary conquest, this means they have a veritable armada available when invasion time comes._

_The most insidious weapon in the Zippotronian arsenal is not a device of mass destruction, or a planetary demolition device. It is, in fact, the Zippotronian sense of humor. _

_Zippotronian invasions are largely bloodless, simply because Zippotronian weaponry is not designed to kill, but to humiliate. The sheer lunacy that is the Zippotronian military mindset is usually enough to confuse and confound most native military strategists and cause them to surrender before they know what they're surrendering to. _

_In the words of one particular pundit, Former Maximum Proconsul of Vexterxalda Jazlar Broost: "It's hard to remain committed to battle when your troops have been turned into Hyperborean Ultra Chickens, your weaponry into municipal community golf courses, and your genitals into a small vegetarian casserole. You don't want to know what happened to the guys who refused to surrender, except I will say you should take a closer look at that really odd statue of the Great Malvosta Six-Week Orgy of Doom that's in the Capitol Square."_

_But, of the many tales of invasion that are told of the great Zippotronian conquerers, probably none are hailed or as deified as that of J'anro Lanti'cu, otherwise known on her world as Jane Addams Lane, Grand Protectorate of Planet Earth. It is a story of art, science, conquest, resistance, and outright silliness..._

_And sex. LOTS of sex._

_We thought that would get your attention._

It was a bright sunny day in the small suburban town of Lawndale when the first of the flying saucers were spotted moving into orbit arunf the planet Earth. Across the globe, astronomers, soldiers, polticians, and scientist met to shout and scream at each other and generally make a nuisance of themselves. They only agreed on one thing: Until they knew what the hell the alien ships wanted, nobody was going to talk to the media...

Angela Li stared at the special news report on her office TV. She then pressed a button on the underside of her desk. The shelves behind her split and slid aside, revealing an impressive control panel complete with monitors, flashing lights, readouts, and other expensive acoutrements paid for by illegall appropriated funds.

She quickly checked her own readings from the myriad security devices installed around the school, then slumped in her chair. It was true.

"I knew this day would come," she murmured. She spun around in her chair, and grabbed the PA microphone. The students had tobe warned and prepared for the coming of the alien threat.

Little did she realize that the mastermind behind this insidious attack was currently sitting in Mr. O'Neill's senior English class, and had been a student at Lawndale High for years.

The school intercom screeched to life.

"Attention: _we are under attack_."

As she tried to comprehend the strange announcement, teenage outcast Daria Morgendorffer turned to speak to her best friend Jane Lane and goggled as her friend reached into her backpack and pulled out a futuristic looking Buck Rogers-type weapon. She fired at Mr. O'Neill, who was struck by the radiant purple beam and turned into a four course chicken dinner for a family of six.

"ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY DOWN ON YOUR KNEES!" Jane yelled, standing on top of her desk. "THIS PLANET IS NOW OFFICIALLY ABSORBED INTO THE GREAT AND ETERNAL ZIPPOTRONIAN EMPIRE!"

Jane grinned down evilly at Daria. "And as my first official act as Grand Protectorate of Earth, i hereby declare Daria Morgendorffer as my Official Consort, Personal Assistant, and Sex Kitten. Any objections, amiga?"

"Does the job entail any kind of slinky costume?" Daria asked.

"Not unless you want it to...but it does mean that if I want it, you have to give it up."

Daria sighed. "No leather or burns, okay?"

"Deal. I'll even throw in a Paingasmer for you to use on the football team. Those are FUN."

_Egad! Jane's a sex crazed alien from Planet Zippotron! Is the planet Earth doomed? Will Lawndale High be able to survive if the new Grand Protectorate's straight-C average is threatened? Will Upchuck collapse in a puddle of delight when he learns how massive the Zippotronian sex drive is? Will he be able to handle the blow to his ego when the Grand Protectorate still wants nothing to do with him? And will Daria be able to cope with the Grand Protectorate's new "No Panties for You, Missy!" edict specifically for all bespectactled teenage girls with thirteen letter last names beginning with M?_

_FIND OUT IN OUR NEXT TITILLATING EPISODE!_


	2. Chapter 2

The invasion itself was much like a gang of belligerent drunken dwarves with dubious personal hygiene: nasty, brutish and short. The Zippotronian saucers effectively decimated the military forces of the world, turning every last vehicle, weapon, and nuke into a vast buffet which was, under Jane's order's, delivered to the poorest cournties in the third world so they could have SOMETHING to eat for once.

Otherwise, things really didn't change that much. Jane was very much a hands-off benevolent dictator. She let the conquered get on with governing themselves, while enjoying her authority form the new global capital of Lawndale.

She had disposed of the decrepit disguise of Casa Lane, returning it to the glistening silver tower that was her Zippotronian transport craft. From here, the Grand Protectorate issued her decrees, playing with the citizens of Lawndale much like a five year old enacts massive epic dramas with a set of action figures.

And Daria, as the Grand Protectorate's right hand, had a front row seat to the madness.

She got off the elevator in the tower and walked through to Jane's office. The Grand Protectorate was sitting at her desk, feet up on the top of it. She idly toyed with a Rubik's Cube while speaking into a wireless headset.

"Look, Mr. President, I'm telling you, if you don't take out this rich Saudi bastard soon, he's going to cause some real problems. I gave you the coordinates where he's hiding, so you and the Joint Chiefs reach down and find a pair, or I'm going to have to take matters into my own hands, startign with turning the White House into a Leroy's Chicken & Waffles at the earliest opportunity! Do not fuck with me, sir, you won't like it."

Jane paused for a moment. "Well, actually you WOULD but I don't think it'll happen, will it? i thought so. Business doing pleasure with you, Mr. President. Ciao, baby."

Jane tapped a button on the side of the headset, put her feet down and looked at Daria. "Okay, amiga, hand 'em over."

Daria looked uncomfortable. "Hand what over?"

"Don't play dumb, Daria, you don't have the experience." Jane smirked. "Did you really think I WOULDN'T scan you to make sure you followed my new rules?"

Daria turned red and she reached under her skirt and began to remove the white cotton panties she was wearing. "I cannot believe you passed a law just to keep me from wearing panties."

"Hey, what can I say?" Jane smiled, taking the undergarment from her friend. "It turns me on. Besides, I rescind the ban when Aunt Flo visits, don't I?" Jane held up the underwear, glanced at them and frowned. "You know, if you're going to flaunt the law, I really wish you'd wear one of the pairs I gave you."

Daria frowned. "Jane, you gave me a bunch of thongs with your smirking face on the crotch panel and the word 'Mine!' printed underneath it."

Jane considered. "You're right. That's far too subtle."

She opened a drawer of her desk and tossed the latest acquisition in on top of the nine other pairs she'd confiscated from Daria since the invasion. "But today, I need my PA, rather than my Sex Kitten."

Daria sighed in relief. _Thank god._

She sat in the chair in front of the desk, trying to keep her skirt frrm riding up. Jane had ordered a change to her wardrobe. While the outfit was basically the same, Daria now wore a more flatteringly cut green jacket that showed off her figure, a low cut orange blouse that presented a decent amount of cleavage, and a short leather miniskirt that practically bunched up around her hips, revealing everything whenever she sat down. Like now.

After fighting with the skirt for a full three minutes, much to Jane's amusement, Daria finally decided on crossing her legs and hoping that Jane couldn't see anything else. She reached into an inner pocket of her jacket and withdrew a small datapad and stylus, a gift from Jane when she had taken over.

Jane leaned back in her seat and glanced Daria over. "God damn, Daria, you have the sexiest fucking legs I've ever seen."

Daria blushed and frowned simultaneously. "Why does everything revolve around sex with you now? You never acted like this before, especially not to me."

Jane gave her a compassionate smile. "After eighteen years stuck on this rock denying my basic nature, I'm finally able to cut loose and be myself. Zippotronians have a ridiculously high sex drive. I had to masturbate about nineteen times a day when I hit puberty just to take the edge off, then I discovered running. That helped quite a bit.

"As for why you...well, you're my best friend. You're smart, funny, and the only person I trust to be completely honest with me. Plus, I always thought you were cute. Ever since the first day we met. I thought 'If you don't at least become friends with this girl, you will regret it for the rest of your life.'"

Daria blushed again, this time in embarassment. "Wait...what about that Alison girl you met at Ashfield? You told her you weren't interested in women."

"Oh, her," Jane said, "I was lying. Of course I'm interested in women...just not her. We Zippotronians don't have a lot of hang ups about sex, but the three things we absolutely will not tolerate are rape, pedophilia, and any attempt to use artifical stimulants to seduce somebody. That was what turned me off of her. She tried to get me drunk, when really, all she had to do was ask."

"Oh..." Daria fell silent as she considered what Jane had said. It was true that while Jane forbade her from wearing panties at any time except when her period came around, and relentlessly made lewd comments whenever they were together, she hadn't actually forced Daria to do anything else. Jane leaned across the desk and took Daria's hand.

"Daria, I know this is really weird to you, which is why I haven't asked you to do more than what you've already done. I want you to let me have you when you're ready. It's okay if you don't love me like that, but, and I really HATE to make this sound like a threat, it's going to happen eventually. It always does with my people. And if you try to fight me on the issue, I'm not going to have any choice but to put you in the Attitude Adjuster...and I DON'T want to have to do that.

"You're still my amiga, and I don't want anything to change that, but I also can't change my nature and we're conquerers. We just happen to be more polite about it than most of the other races in the galaxy. So, you don't have to say yes until you're ready, but please, don't try to fight me on this, okay?"

Daria swallowed and looked down at her hand clasped firmly in Jane's. She looked back up at her friend and overmistress and swallowed again.

"I...I'll think about it."

Jane smailed, let go of Daria's hand and leaned back in the chair, putting her feet back up on the desk. "That's all I'm asking, amiga."

"Can I ask something, though? As a point of clarification?"

"Shoot."

"If you're against rape and using artifical stimulants to seduce someone, doesn't putting me in the Attitude Adjuster qualify as both?"

Jane scowled and she glared at Daria, fixing her with a look so totally alien that she felt her heart begin to race. Jane saw her reaction and blinked, the look vanishing.

"Oh jeez, sorry. Forgot myself there for a second. Yes, you'd be right about that, which is why we never use it as anything but the last resort. See, when I made you my Official Consort on top of everything else, it's because I formed a special bond with you. A chemical one."

"Chemical?" Daria asked.

"Yep," Jane said, "kind of similar to your species pheromones. It kind of marks you as mine to anyone else who might have designs on you. But it's also mildly telepathic as well. I'll always know when you're in trouble, for instance. But the real bitch about the whole thing, Daria, is this..."

Jane took a deep breath and looked Daria right in the eyes.

"If I don't have sex with you at some point in the next year, I'm going to die."

Daria blinked and stared at Jane. "Seriously?"

"No," Jane grinned. "I'm screwing with you."

Daria's shocked expression turned to one of annoyance. "Bitch."

"Yep, that's me." Jane said gleefully. "Seriously though, we've been hanging around so long now that eventually my pheremones are going to cause your own hormones to go into overdrive. You won't be able to resist. So the sooner you can wrap your head around the concept, the easier it'll be. And that's all we'll say on the subject for now."

Jane leaned back in her chair. "Now, to business! Status reports from the major sectors of our beloved Lawndale?"

Daria shook her head and tried to put th eprevious conversation out of her mind. She pulled up data on the pad and scrolled through it. "Crime is down 38%. Unemployment stays steady at 3%. Dairy consumption is up by 44%..."

"Ha!" Jane laughed, "Remind me to send your dad a nice fruit basket. He's brilliant."

Daria gave Jane a look. "Jane, you made him the Overlord of Cheese."

"And the quality of the mozzerella at the pizza place has gone through the roof since he took the job," Jane replied. "Speaking of the rest of the Morgendorffer clan, what's the latest on finding your mom?"

Daria sighed. "The FBI's joined the Lawndale PD and Lawndale County Sheriff's Office in locating her. Eric apparently dumped the Mercedes somewhere outside Cape Cod. God knows where they are now."

Jane nodded. "Get me the name of the agent in charge. I've ogt a few toys that might be of help. And Daria?"

Daria looked up, her face impassive.

"I'm really sorry the invasion made your mom's boss freak out and kidnap her. We'll find her, don't worry. And he will pay for it. Believe me."

"Yeah...okay..." Daria murmured. Jane nodded to herself and dropped the subject for now.

"Okay, so what's the story on Quinn's new job as Sanitation Secretary?"

"Eric, for God's sake, would you stop all this nonsense?" Helen Morgendorffer demanded. "Just let me call the girls and Jake and make sure they're okay!"

"I'm sorry, Helen, but I can't let you do that." Eric Schrecter said, tightening his grip on Helen's arm. He was steering her through a seedy alley in the bad part of Lawndale. They had spent the last three weeks laying a confusing trail of blind alleys, double backing, and changing cars every time they stopped for a bathroom break to get them back here without detection.

Now, Eric scanned the numbers above the doorways in the alley, looking for one in particular. As he did, he continued lecturing Helen. "Daria's been compromised, Helen. She's been friends with that...THING, practically since you moved here. Who knows what sort of control that alien bitch has over her. She could report you to the 'Grand Protectorate' in a heartbeat and then we're all so many organs in jars...AND I'M NOT HAVING MY TESTICLES FLOATING IN A JAR WITH ELECTRODES HOOKED UP TO THEM, HELEN! NOT AGAIN!"

Eric shook his head and took a deep breath. He looked at helen's shocked expression. "Fine, I'm fine. Seriously. See? Fine. A little stressed but that's okay, keeps us sharp."

"Eric..." Helen said cautiously, "What the hell are we doing here?"

"I recieved an email, Helen. An email form someone who knows exactly what we're up against and wants to start a fight against that alien bitch and her deviant sexual ways. He wants to meet with us. Him and the rest of the resistance."

"Resistance?" Helen asked, incredulous. "For God's sake, Eric, this isn't 'Red Dawn.' I'v eknown Jane for years, she's perfectly reasonable."

"Don't pretend she's human, Helen!" Eric shrieked. "She's NOT! She is an evil, evil, alien thing wanting to impregnate your daughter! Don't you care about that at all?"

"IOf course, I do!" Helen screamed back. "But you're acting like a maniac and it's scareing the shit out of me! Can you please tell me just what the hell is going on here? I'm ready to kick you in the balls myself and go looking for my own god damn answers!"

"And that is the first step, Mrs. Morgendorffer." came a male voice from the shadows of the alley. Eric and Helen stopped yelling at each other and turned to face the direction the voice came from.

A figure stepped into the alley, dressed in balck fatigues, a gray turtleneck sweater, a long black duster, combat boots and stlyish designer sunglasses. He chewed on a toothpick lodged in the corner of his mouth. He took the toothpick out and regarded Helen thoughtfully.

"Looking for one's own god damn answers leads to the truth, and the truth, as has often been observed, will set you free." The young man looked at Eric. "Thank you, Mr. Schrecter, you've served your purpose."

"I'm ready for my next assignment, sir!" Eric said, standing at attention. The young man regarded him for a moment, then withdrew a large pistor and drilled the lawyer right between the eyes.

"Assignment complete, Mr. Schrecter." He looked over at Helen. "You were quite right, he was unstable. And instability leads to ruin. I certainly know all about that." He withdrew his sunglasses and smiled his winning smile at Helen. "After all, they BOTH taught me so well."

Helen gaped at her rescuer. "Tom?"

Tom Sloane smilled his winning smile and replaced his sunglasses. "Welcome to the Revolution, Helen."

_Gadzooks! Tom Sloane has formed a resistance movement to oppose the regime of our beloved Grand Protectorate? How will Helen cope with a new leader who may be just as unhinged as Jane herself? Will Daria be able to deal with the concept that she's going to lose control and have wild unhinged lesbian sex with Jane, no matter how much she may protest she doesn't want it? Will Jane succeed in her diabolical plan to divest Daria of every pair of panties she owns? And just what the heck is an "Overlord of Cheese?" _

_SOME OF THESE QUESTIONS WILL BE ANSWERED IN OUR NEXT BARELY COMPREHENSIBLE EPISODE!_


	3. Chapter 3

"Excuse me, Grand Protectorate," said the floor manager as the makeup artist made some finishing touches to Jane's make up. "But, if you like, we can arrange for your personal assistant to wait in the green room during the broadcast..."

"Daria stays with me," Jane said, firmly. "I don't go anywhere without her and I want her here."

"it's just, well, we were expecting this to be a one-on-one interview and-"

"And it will be," Jane replied. "I'll do all the talking. Daria's not much of chatterbox, are you, Daria?"

"I swear I am going to get you for this." Daria muttered, shifting in the leather upholstered chair, trying very hard not to trigger the tell tale sound of bare skin sticking to the material.

"Of course you are," Jane said. She turned and fixed the floor manager with a cold glare. "She stays, or I walk, capiche?"

The floor manager looked at Jane, notied the alien coldness in the crystal blue eyes then grinned nervously. "If that's what you want, Grand Protectorate."

"It is. Really." Jane said firmly. The floor manager grinned again and bolted across the studio. Jane smirked.

"God, these TV people are wimps." She turned to where Daria was still shifting in her seat. "You okay there, amiga?"

"Why the hell couldn't you have let me wear underwear for this?" Daria whispered harshly. "This damn skirt's still riding up and I really don't need a lot of overweight sweaty grips staring at my ass."

"Aw, come on," Jane teased. "Don't tell me you aren't getting just a little thrill from all this. Huh? Just a small one?"

"No." Daria said, firmly. "And I-"

"Grand Protectorate!" said Harvey Marks, the genial host of "The Harvey Marks Chats," as he sat down on the other side of the desk from Daria and Jane. The man was more or less a low rent Larry King, right down to the suspenders and LED map of Lawndale embedded in the set walls behind them. "I'm so glad you could make time for the interview."

"My pleasure, Mr. Marks. Oh, have you met Daria Morgendorffer, my Se-"

"Personal assistant," Daria interrupted, shaking Marks's hand. "My pleasure."

"It would be if you'd just give it up..." Jane muttered.

"I beg your pardon?" Marks asked.

"Nothing at all." Jane replied with a smile. "I like to keep Daria around for moral support. She also says 'This interview is OVER!' much better than I do."

"Ah ha..." Marks said, looking at Daria, who sighed.

"Just pretend I'm not here." Daria said, "The Grand Protectorate wouldn't do the interview unless I was on camera with her, God knows why."

"Because you're cute, I told you already." Jane said, smiling. She looked back at Marks. "now, Mr. Marks-"

"Please, call me Harvey, Grand Protectorate."

Jane grinned. "Well, in that case, feel free to call me Jane. Now, Harvey, the interview will be one-on-one as you requested. Daria will just sit here and look pretty."

"I hate you." Daria said.

"Quiet, dear," Jane replied. "Now, I want you to know, Harvey, that I plan on being perfectly candid about anything you care to ask. I beleive in ruling through complete transparency and I don't want any misinformation running around out there."

"That's good to know." Harvey replied. "Well, I think that pretty much covers everything. Any questions for me before we go live?"

"Nope," Jane said. "I'm rarin' to go."

Helen Morgendorffer shivered. It was a shiver borne of fear. A shiver borne of axiety. Just a month ago the world had been conquered by aliens. Three weeks ago, she had been kidnapped by her boss. Yesterday, she had been abducted by a resistance organization apparently run by her oldest daughter's former boyfriend.

And today, she was also shivering because she was in a dank basement, tied to a hard plastic chair. And she was only wearing her underwear.

In retrospect, it was probably a bad idea to wear the Lucious in Lavender set from Victoria's Secret that day in anticipation of meeting Jake for a little Lunchtime Special on the day she had been kidnapped.

"Now, MRS. Morgendorffer," said Tom Sloane, still wearing his sunglesses, despite the fact there waqs barely enough light to see anything in the basement. "I hope you'll excuse the...accomodations, but we simply can't take any chances that you've become compromised."

"Compromised?" Helen shrieked. "I haven't been around my family in weeks! How could I be compromised?"

"We don't know, which is why we have to ask."

"And tying me half naked to a chair is necessary, why?"

"Yeah," came a bored female voice. "Why the hell IS she half naked?"

"Implants." Tom answered.

"Implants?" the bored female voice asked.

"Implants?" Helen said, indignant. "I'll have you know that they're-"

"Mind control implants, Mrs. Morgendorffer," Tom said quickly.

"Oh," Helen said, blushing.

"Mind control implants?" said the voice. "Are you fucking kidding me, Tom? Be honest, this is one of those kinky fantasies you read about in those stroke books you think you have hidden in the laundry room."

"Dammit, Elsie, I told you those were reference for my life drawing class!"

"You haven't taken a life drawing class in two years, brother dear."

"I have too!"

"Club Squish offering grades for sketching the strippers now?"

"COME HERE YOU!"

There was an unholy ruckus as chairs and tables were overturned, followed by the sound of two pairs of feet rushing up the stairs and finishing wiht the sound of a door slamming.

"Um...hello?" Helen said after five minutes had passed. "I really need to use the bathroom!"

"And welcome to the Harvey Marks Chats! Iam, of course, Harvey Marks, and I'm pleased as punch to welcome my guest tonight. Our benevolent dictator from another world, the Grand Protectorate herself, Jane Lane!"

"Thank you, Harvey. And hello out there to all my soulless labor drones!"

"Ha ha! And you have someone with you."

"Yes, allow me to present Daria Morgendorffer, my best friend, Personal Assistant, Offical Consort and Sex Kitten."

"Sex Kitten? You mean you and she...?"

"Not yet, but I'm working on it. isn't that right, Daria?"

"I hate you so much right now."

"Ha ha! Isn't she great?"

"Yes, indeed. Now, Grand Protectorate, I'm sure the burnign question that everyone here in Lawndale wants to know is...why take over the Earth?"

"Well, Harv," Jane began, "honestly, it's mostly because I was watching CNN one day and realized, good greif these people can't handle themselves. They've got a bunch of soundbyte spewing morons telling them how to think, how to vote, what to wear and I just had enough of it..."

Daria sat and tried very hard to just ignore the insane batshit her best fried was spewing.

_Cool thoughts, a river flowing to the sea...far away from here-what the fuck?_

Daria stiffened up as she felt fingers on her knee...no, wait, fingers on her thigh...

Oh, God...fingers sliding up the INSIDE of her thigh...

Daria felt her face flush and she looked sharply at Jane, who was calmly answering Harvey's questions. But as soon as she finished answering and Harvey started asking his next question, Jane glanced at her out the corner of her eyes...

...and smirked.

_I'm going to kill her._

_Odd's Bodkins! Will Daria be able to prevent Jane from inflicting a very public orgasm on local television? Will Harvey Marks notice the odd behavior of the Grand Protectorate's Personal Assistant? Will Tom succeed in making Elsie's murder look like a tragic accident? And will Helen ever be able to use the bathroom? _

_ALL THESE QUESTIONS AND A BAG OF CHIPS WILL BE ANSWERED IN OUR NEXT ORGASMIC EPISODE!_


	4. Chapter 4

"Ms. Morgendorffer? Are you okay?" Harvey Marks asked as Daria squirmed in her seat. Next to her, Jane's lips curled up in a lecherous smirk.

"I'm...unnh...I'm fine. Don't-AH! Sorry. Don't mind me..." Daria replied, shooting Jane a dirty look. Marks gave her an odd look and turned to face the camera as the floor manager counted down from three.

"And we're back withour exclusive interview with the Grand Protectorate, Jane Lane. Accompanying the Grand Protectorate is her personal assistant, Daria Morgendorffer. Grand Protectorate, what is your opinion on the recent spate of abductions and disappearances in the Lawndale area that have begun since you assumed leadership?"

Jane grinned. "'Assumed leadership?' Just call it what it is, Harvey, I took over the world. I don't mind. But in response to your question, I'm taking the disappearances very seriously. I worked hard to conquer this planet, and I will not have anyone taking advantage of that hard work to terrify people and kidnap them."

Below the desk, Jane's fingers wiggled in an elaborate manner, causing Daria to let out a shriek that made the entire crew jump. Daria bit her lip and slouched over the desk, trying to hide her bright red face.

"Ms. Morgendorffer?" Harvey said, half climbing out of his seat."Are you sure you're all right?"

Daria let out a strangled squeak of affirmation and nodded her head. Jane turned back to Harvey with a serious expression on her face.

"Daria's a little distraught," she explained. Meanwhile, her fingers probed a little more and found what she was looking for. Daria, her head still resting on the desk, face hidden by her hair, began emitting a series of squeaks which were mistaken for sobs.

"Her mother, Helen, was abducted by a man named Eric Schrecter just after I came to power," Jane continued. "And I want to take this opportunity to let the people of Lawndale know that I will not allow any harm to come to them. That's why I'm the Grand Protectorate."

"And what about Ms. Morgendorffer's mother?" Harvey asked. "What are your plans there?"

"The FBI has been working non-stop on this case, and I have committed a not inconsiderable amount of my own resources to the search. Rest assured, we will find out who has kidnapped Mrs. Morgendorffer and I want to make this clear to whoever did it, just in case they're watching."

Jane turned to face the camera and fixed the lens with an alien stare that made the producers in the control room pale, and the cameraman want to piss himself.

"We WILL find you," Jane said coldly, "And when we do, and we're sure Mrs. Morgendorffer is safe, you are going to find out exactly why the most notorious toy in the Zippotronian arsenal is called a Paingasmer."

"AHHHHHHAHHHHAAAAAA!" Daria screamed, sitting bolt upright and throwing her head back. Jane qucikly brought her hand up form under the desk, wrapped an arm around Daria's shoulders and pulled her close. Daria's moans were muffled by Jane's shoulder.

"I'm sorry, this is apparently too much for her," Jane said with a remorseful glance at Harvey. "Would it be possible to pick this up at another time? I'll be happy to make a hole in my schedule for whatever's convenient for you."

"Yes, yes of course," Harvey said, concerned. "Um...my guest tonight has been Grand Protectorate Jane Lane. We'll be sure to let you know when she will join us again for her follow up interview. I'm Harvey Marks. Good night."

Jane gently patted Daria's head. "That's okay, Daria, let it all out..."

Helen blinked again as the light in the basement was snapped on. It took a minute for the stars in her eyes to fade. When they did, she found Tom Sloane standing in front of her.

"Good news, Helen!" Tom grinned. "Everything came back clean, so I'm pleased to welcome you into the ranks of the Resistance!"

"What the HELL are you talking about, Tom?" Helen snarled. "What resistance?"

"Look around you, Helen! The resistance is here."

Helen looked around as much as she could, given she was still tied to the chair. Her eyes widened as she saw about half a dozen other people also tied to chairs in the room around her. There was Jodie Landon, that nice Mackenzie boy she dated, Quinn's friend Stacy, that Dewitt-Clinton boy with the weird parents, and even more disturbing, Mr. DeMartino and Ms. Li.

What moved the scene from disturbing to outright frightening was the fact that all of them, like Helen, were clad only in their underwear. And as an added horror, Ms. Li's particular choice of undergarment material was shiny black latex with strategically placed metal studs.

"Now that we're all here, " Tom began, rubbing his hands together, "I can outline the strategy that will return control of the planet to the human race...

He crossed over to a tarp covered object and removed the tarp with a flourish. Under the tarp was a large whiteboard covered in incomprehensible phrases and diagrams. He grinned again, his white teeth standing out under the sunglasses he still wore.

"And once that Zippotronian pervert is out of power and the human race has control of the planet, they will give us the greatest reward any of us could receive...CONTROL OVER THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE!"

The seven captives glanced at each other, all acknowedging that they were thinking the same thing.

Tom Sloane was out of his goddamn mind.

_Great Scott! Tom Sloane is nuttier than a tree full of fruitcake eating squirrels! Will the involuntary Resistance be able to stand up against the Grand Protectorate and her Paingasmer? Will Daria recover from the embarassment from orgasming loudly on live TV? Will somebody PLEASE get Ms. Li a robe or a pair of pants or SOMETHING?_

_These questions may be answered, but will most likely be ignored, in our next mentally disturbing episode! _


	5. Chapter 5

"I cannot believe you did that!" Daria hisses as she and Jane walked down the hallway of the TV station, heading towards Jane's limo.

"I can't believe you didn't just hit me in the shoulder to get me to knock it off," Jane replied. Daria blinked and looked at Jane, her eyes wide.

"What?"

Jane gave Daria a perplexed look. "You didn't get that? Daria, I told you already, I'm not going to force you to do anything you don't want to do... for now, anyway. You didn't do anything to stop me so I figured you were okay with it."

"Oh, yes, having an orgasm on live TV is one of my secret fantasies! Thank you so much for fufilling it, Jane!"

"Daria, I-"

"Oh, save it," Daria snapped. "I'm taking the rest of the day off. Don't call me."

"Daria, wait!" Jane called, but Daria had already stalked off and out the door to the parking lot. Jane's shoulders sagged.

"I am a colossal fucking moron," she muttered.

Daria, still seething, stalked down the steps of the TV station.

_How could she do that? How could I LET her do that? I'm not interested in her like that. Was it those pheremones she talked about? Oh, God, why can't we just go back to the way we were? Without sex hovering over us like a damn storm cloud...storm cloud...rain...Oh GOD! STOP VISUALIZING JANE NAKED IN THE RAIN, BRAIN!_

Daria closed her eyes and shook her head, so focused on purging the image from her brain, that she didn't notice the black van that had been following her for two blocks. Said van suddenly zoomed ahead of her, screeched to a halt, and the side door flew open. Daria's train of thought was abruptly derailed by the sight of Jodie Landon and Ted Dewitt-Clinton being shoved out of the van, clad in only their underwear, and with what looked like a modified "invisible fence" dog collar around their necks.

"What the hell?" Daria yelped as the two of them grabbed her arms and began propelling her towards the van.

"Sorry, Daria, but we don't have a choice," Jodie said. She leaned down and whispered into Daria's ear. "Stay calm, it's humiliating but he hasn't done anything to us."

"What the hell are you doing?!" Daria said, planting her feet solidly on the ground. Jodie and Ted redoubled their efforts and dragged the protesting girl towards the van. Ted, staggering slightly, leaned down.

"I'm really sorry about this, Daria," he said softly, "But, I think you want to come with us."

"Why the hell do you think I'd want to go anywhere with you?"

"He's got your mom."

Daria blinked and stopped struggling, allowing herself to be escorted into the van. The door slammed shut, cutting off most of the light in the van. As Daria's eyes adjusted to the darkness, they widened at the sound of a familir voice.

"Excellent work, that alien bitch won't be able to ignore us after this."

"Tom?" Daria asked. "What the hell is going on?"

"Revolution," Tom said simply. "Jodie, Ted, we can't take any chances Jane put a tracking device on her. Strip her down."

"WHAT?!"

Jane walked down the steps of the TV station, her dark mood readily evident to the small contignent of bodyguards that followed her. Jane had a strange pistol weapon out, idly twirling it around her finger.

She skipped the limo and egan walking down the sidewalk, lost in thought, trying to figure out how to make up with Daria.

_I need to find her mom. I need to apologize. I need to give her Australia. No, Daria hates long plane flights. What else? Well, obviously, no more teasing. Maybe I should let her wear underwear again..._

Suddenly, Jane found her vision blocked as a large piece of black material slapped her directly into the face. Jane struggled with the cloth for a moment, before pulling it off her face.

"What the hell was that?" Jane demanded, looking around. A black van hurtled around a corner down the street. Jane frowned and looke dback down at the cloth in her hand.

Her eyes widened as she realized she was holding Daria's pleated skirt. She looked back at where the van had vanished, then her face contorted in an expression of rage as she realized Daria's jacket, shirt, bra, and boots were scattered all over the street.

Jane pocketed her weapon, quickly gathered up the clothes, and backtracked to the TV studio, where she tossed them into the backseat. She turned to her head bodyguard.

"Find that van, NOW," she growled. The bodyguard saluted and went off to follow his orders. Jane pulled the weapon out again, her fingers turning white from the pressure she exerted on the grip.

"Oh, you are so getting an instruction on how a Paingasmer works. INTIMATELY," she snarled.

_Holy Pants! Daria's been kidnapped and stripped by the Resistance! Will there be a joyful reunion of Daria and her mother? Will Jane be able to rescue her? Will Tom learn why it's a bad idea to make a Zippotronian angry? Will Daria ever be allowed to put panties on again? Why the hell hasn't that damn pizza delivery guy shown up yet?_

_Most of these questions will be answered, but probably not in the way you expect, in our next nudity-filled episode!_


End file.
